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Linda Asks: I found out my current male lover occasionally wears a bra. He doesn’t stuff it but I still find it a little disturbing. Do you think I could convince him to stop wearing one?

He Says: WTF?? He wears a bra occasionally? This boy has a problem, stuffing or not. Perhaps he fantasizes about being a woman, a Victoria’s Secret model or is a closet transvestite. Or maybe he has a fetish for women’s’ clothes. Whatever the case, he should seek professional treatment or you may find yourself in the bottom of a pit in his basement, ala Silence of the Lambs… 

She Says: Your question made me laugh but not in a good way. Does he do this at a specific time of day? What is his reasoning? Regardless, it’s not good. No corn-husking tractor-driving weight-lifting man I know wears a bra. It sounds like you may need to do a little sleuthing around to figure out what’s up with his private life. Or drop him like a bad habit!

Jesse Asks: My boyfriend has stopped having sex with me. What is going on? He says he’s not in the mood or that he’s tired and it’s been like this for the last 5 months!!! It’s making me crazy!

He Says: Well he has obviously lost interest in you or getting it somewhere else. Since this is the two- ton elephant in the room, you have a right to demand better answers than “I’m tired” or “I’m not in the mood.” In fact, this is clearly a human rights violation. Threaten to haul him into the International Court of Justice in the Hague - your fundamental human needs aren’t being met. Maybe some wig-wearing judge will set him straight.  

She Says: I used to think that when this happens it means he’s moved on mentally. Which is still often the case. But other times, men ‘just don’t feel like it’. I know so because friends of mine have been proposed to after this exact thing happened. To me, it means he’s gotten very comfortable with you. This can be a good or a bad thing. Sometimes this means he’s taking you for granted and other times this means that he’s happy and not that sexual. That vibe can only be picked up on by you. You know your man.. if he’s a sexual kind of guy then you may have a problem on your hands.

Jackie from Ohio asks: I was very drunk one night a slept with my best male friend. Should I tell my boyfriend? I am on the fence about it.

He Says: Ahh that demon liquor! It makes you do all kinds of things that of course you wouldn’t THINK of doing while sober, ahem. Drunk or not, you are obviously attracted to your best male friend and he probably secretly has had the hots for you, as I do for some of my female friends (good thing this is anonymous). The question you should be asking is not “Should I confess” but “What is it about my bf that caused me to spread my wings and fly?” He’s obviously not doing it for you.

She Says: Hopefully you weren’t a home-wrecker this time around but in the future I’d refrain from doing drunk ‘accidental’ things. Astonishingly, I too have been wasted before and I too have been around a male best friend.  Somehow I refrained from sleeping with him. You clearly like your friend and are not really into your boyfriend. I wouldn’t tell your boyfriend what you did if you want to keep this hurt train chugging along but the nice thing to do would probably be to love him and leave him… and maybe move on to your best friend.

Helen from Vegas asks: My boyfriend’s ex girlfriend constantly contacts him. I’ve approached him about it but he swears she’s a friend and that I shouldn’t worry. Would I be crossing a line by contacting her?

He Says: Uhh …. YES. You would look like a jealous woman who is threatened by his feelings for his ex. And chances are, he does have feelings for her, but it’s entirely possible that it’s not physical. Maybe he just likes her personality and has nice memories, just as you probably do about your previous bfs.  You could try trusting him and not cause a stink, unless of course you have reason to think he wants something more from her, in which case you have to make him choose. Life is about choices. Men can get easily irritated by insecure and jealous women. If you really want to manipulate the situation, invite her over for dinner with your bf then subtly rip her apart after she leaves. He may see what a pathetic little shrew she is being. 

She Says: You would definitely be crossing the line. Not only will she think you’re a freak show- he will too. What would you even say? So.. are you secretely dating my boyfriend? Clearly if he still wanted to be with her or vice versa they would be together! He wants to be friends with her. I think that’s fine and I would just accept her. The one thing I would not accept is if he starts to tell her his secrets and doesn’t tell you. At some point you should be his best girlfriend so do things to gain his trust. Like not calling his ex behind his back.

Mrs Carol asks: I have a feeling my husband is cheating on me. What are the warning signs?

He Says: Uhhh, lipstick on the collar?? Another woman’s thong buried in his sock drawer? Those would be pretty clear signs. Unfortunately unless your man has an IQ of 80 or under, that ain’t happening. The fact is that very few men are completely faithful in word, thought and deed, because no woman satisfies them all the time. Who wants chicken every day? So your job is to gauge the satisfaction index in your marriage. If it is low, chances are he’s thinking about greener pastures. If so, time to spice things up and try some new things.

She Says: Oh Dear. Typically when you feel someone is cheating on you they usually are… unless you’re paranoid.  He will generally pay less attention to you, be vague about where he’s going, look at his phone a lot or act a nervous around you. What has he been doing thus far? Then again.. sometimes men act that way because they are planning something they haven’t told you about yet like a job promotion or they want to approach you about moving house. All you can do is act like it doesn’t bother you and behave as normal. Something will come out in the open eventually.  Good Luck!

Julie from NYC: Will I ever meet a decent man in NYC? If so, where?

She Says: It seems that men in New York (Robert Pattison what?) think that the women in New York are just as crazy as the men… which leads me to conclude that either everyone in New York is insane or we need to chill out. If you continue to go out and show up you’re going to eventually meet someone… but the real secret to meeting someone ‘decent’ is to let him come to you. It may be old fashioned but its the truth. And perhaps try getting involved in ‘things’ - sailing group? biking? charity? It will not only improve your chances of meeting someone it will also make you a happier person!

He Says: There are no decent men in New York or anywhere for that matter. We are all scoundrels, two-timers, phonies, hypocrites, liars and worse, especially state governors. But that’s why you love us.

Celeste from Atlanta: My boyfriend is really attached to his mother. He calls her at least twice a day and each phone call lasts between 30 mins to 2 hours. I can’t handle it anymore. I feel like he tells her things about our relationship that I would never tell my mother. What should I do?

She Says: Everyone has a different relationship with their mother. But sometimes it’s a little… WTF!? crazy (overbearingly?) close. Relationships are two sided so the mother is mostly likely encouraging this kind of interaction with her son. Unfortunately, I’d say there’s nothing you can do without seeming like evel knieval. You’re best bet is probably to shimmy up to the mother so she feels less comfortable talking to her son about your intimate details. Ask him to please keep your private moments with him private. If he respects you he’ll respect your request!

He Says: Unless you boyfriend is running a multi-million dollar family business with his mom, I’d say this boy has problems. Either he has a serious dependency issue or his mom does or both.  At the very least, mom should respect you and your relationship with her precious boy.  I say confront him and tell him to deal with his mother issues with a shrink. If he doesn’t get help, mom is going to be moving in soon. 

Nancy Rollin Up: My colleague at work set me up with a good friend of hers.  We’ve gone out a couple of times, but I really think he’s ready for marriage and I’m not.  My colleague keeps on asking me how we’re doing … what do I do?

He Says: It’s nice that your colleague set you up, but let’s face it, blind dates rarely work, since no one knows your chemistry like you do, despite the good intentions of the person setting you up. So I think it’s OK to tell your colleague that you have considerations about your date… You can just say you’re in a different place, or the chemistry isn’t there, or whatever. Most people understand those issues.

She Says: He’s ready for marriage in this recessionary madness? And only after two dates? I’m shocked! and… I think you’re overreacting. First off, I’m sure he likes you but men are always hot and heavy at the start. They build you up in their head and think you’re the one. A few months later you’ll be wondering if he’s ever going to propose. I say these are early days and roll with it. Things are bound to evolve. Time for you to take a breather. And just be vague about it with your coworker. It’s your relationship (not hers) anyway.  Unless of course he’s this guy! Then I’d say run for the hills!.

Rowella writes: I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with a guy who I met online and I just know, in my gut, that it’s not going to go anywhere.  How do I let him down gently?

She Says: It sounds like you respect him – otherwise why even bother letting him down gently? If that’s the case then simply say (in a nice tone) that you don’t see the two of you working out in the long term. Most guys understand that and he’ll likely be interested in being friends! Datingish has a good post on how to let a guy down effectively.

He Says: This is pretty easy. Lots of people go out on a couple of dates and decide they don’t want to get really involved. Just make it simple: tell him the chemistry really isn’t there and wish him good luck. Tell him you’ll mail his socks back….

Iris writes: I hate that my man doesn’t open the door for me. How can I train him to have better manners?

He Says: This is the kind of schizophrenia that New York men have to deal with all the time. Women demand to be treated as powerful economic equals, yet they secretly want to be treated like princesses to be swept away to a man’s castle. Some women get offended when you pay for dinner, like we’re buying you. Others get offended when you don’t. You offer to split it, they think you’re a loser. Here’s an idea: make a point of ostentatiously holding the door for him. He’ll probably think that’s weird and change his stripes.

 

She Says: There are all kinds of men out there. But opening a door for someone is basic. Women do it for women and men do it for men so the least your man can do is step up to the plate for you! If he doesn’t open the door for you give him a pointed look. I’m not saying he needs to do this all the time… it’s OK to be casual. ..but if you’re going out for dinner (for example) he should. If he keeps (not) doing it you might want to mention it. No guy wants to end up with a reputation like this guy and he might not realize how offensive it is! Cast your vote!

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